A Lot is Happening in My Silence

It has been a tough couple months, leaving me a little angsty and questioning my own voice on matters and I know that isn’t conducive to having a blog.  The anxiety of the days that turn into weeks of silence is stressful, turning what used to be a project that I loved doing into a chore.  Why do I have this need to power off when things get tough, and how does one come back from that?

I imagine I am not the only one who suffers from this and I imagine there’s things well in my control that attribute to it, so I have come to try to make sense of this silence, and try write about it.

Of course, everyone has rough times that are beyond their control.  These past couple months have brought unplanned deaths and loss, moves, political changes, relationship changes within my own affiliations both business and personal…  all these things have created reevaluations of what my own values are, where I choose to spend my time, who I choose to spend it with, and what type of relationships I want to encourage.

A lot of this comes from a position of wanting to create a positive example for my child, naturally. However, I know there is still something inside that takes some time to process, a want to generally have new goals and make efforts to attain them.

Change is never easy and although I do consider myself pretty adaptable, having so much change all at once can be a little overwhelming.  I find myself in my head; overthinking all things related and that can wear me down.  I am not a psychologist by any means, so really I am only speaking for myself, but there are a couple things that I have found to help me through theses times:

1. Identifying the red flags and being able to commit yourself to some kind of change.  Awareness is always the key that unlocks the silence, and what is usually the hardest to overcome.  Just as we are all kind of set in our own ways at a certain age, the idea that something we do isn’t for our betterment can stop us in our tracks.  It’s a bad relationship or the reasons why we feel stressed; it may be something we do to ourselves and although we like to chop it up to “oh, yeah, sometimes I’m like that” it doesn’t solve the problem at hand.  Being able to identify the roots of those problems and the triggers or causes is just the first part of that, because you will need to want to change it.  There’s an old saying of “you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves” and it’s totally true in self reflection as well.


2. Checking in with myself to allow the time to really break it down.  This can be a couple things.  Alone time might seem like a negative to a time where you are already withdrawn but it allows myself the time to really think things through without interruption.  Journaling thoughts, scheduling days, creating daily/weekly/monthly goals, or just physical reorganizing can bring some order into what can feel like chaos.  I have to remind myself sometimes to even have some balance, when the stress gets to me I try to make some self-care time, and this can sometimes feel like I’m running away from the issues or not giving it 110% but it’s also the space I need to recharge, bring new ideas for solutions, or even give me the strength to keep pushing at those goals.  Sometimes this means a weekend getaway or a mani-pedi… other times it could be eating better or getting some moderate exercise. Bringing that balance isn’t always easy but it’s necessary.

3. Shrinking my circle of trust.  Again, this seems strange for when I already feel a bit reclusive, but it can be helpful.  Life doesn’t stop or slow down because one person gets stressed, and there are times where I need to be social and I just don’t feel like it.  However, who I choose to keep close and talk to in these times can be important.  I don’t really share a lot with a lot of people, especially about personal things.  Everyone has issues, and you don’t know if someone is dealing with things harder things in life than you.  Some people who consider themselves close, may have the intention of being supportive, but sometimes it just isn’t the case.  Know who your real friends are, know who to talk to about certain things, and understand sometimes they may not agree with you or have a different take on how you want to deal with the problems.  I’ve sometimes learned which people in my circles are more poisonous than others, and not because they try to be.  Some personal relationships just aren’t the ones to help cultivate and are aligned with my own values and beliefs, so going to these people may be more detrimental in these situations.  Of course everyone wants to be surrounded by supportive family and friends, but it has actually helped to cut a lot of them out during these times of reflection and/or mental derailment.  Sometimes you need to trust yourself enough to not need outside voices, or at least filter through and be a little selective on where you get your influences.

In the end, I know I need to get more on top of writing for my blog, being able to concisely break some things down in life it’s always my thing.  I don’t know if the goal is being able to talk about some hiccups and roadblocks in life when I don’t always have the words to discuss them and especially when they are tied to deeper emotional responses.  Summer is around the corner, and my life is not getting easier at any point soon, so I know there will be some stress awaiting.  All that aside, it’s no reason to let it stop me from living my life and making the most of the time I have with my girl.  I’m gonna keep it movin and hopefully have more time and stories to share with others, but in the meantime thanks for your patience.

Featured and other images in this post all from a recent hike in Muir Woods National Monument.

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