The last two weeks have been spent trying to come up with the right words to explain such a loss. I have been back and forth in my grief and unable to find solace in the fact that she is no longer with us. Along with many other friends and family, we took an uncomfortable backseat to the pain that my sister and brother-in-law have endured and will continue to endure.
At times like these, one can refer back to the unfairness of it all, that such loving and open-hearted people can have something so unfortunate happen to them. I can get eaten up in the anger of knowing that they are the last people you would ever want to be hurt by such a loss. It breaks my heart to see the pain of my closest sister, my most trusted of family, the matron of honor at my wedding, and the godmother to my daughter. To watch my brother-in-law, whom I actually have a closer relationship to than most of my family, go through the most difficult time of their lives and not be able to assist is torturous.
As I try to make sense of it all, I try to remember that my niece maybe was just too good to suffer this world. I have to be consoled a bit by knowing she able to rest without bodily pains or hospital procedures that would’ve left her weakened and limited. Even though I keep that in mind, it’s hard not to feel my own selfish thoughts of wanting her here. There are just no words to explain.
I had hope. I pictured my daughter growing up with her and all the intimacies of a close cousin relationship. I could imagine my sister lighting up with pride and joy. I thought about how she would be a daddy’s girl and suffer all of my brother-in-law’s dad-jokes. I wanted to snuggle and spoil the little one with as much love as her parent’s have always shown me. I had imagined how awesome they would be as parents to have so much compassion and guidance to share with a little person.
My heart aches from the loss.
In these months of pregnancy that my sister has had, where expectant families are bubbling with happiness, I watched as these two strong people battle through the hardest times with the growing anxiety of what is to come. My sister still struggles with her own health complications and my brother-in-law is doing whatever he can to help her. My head spun as she endured extra time at the hospital, medicated and interrupted from much needed time with her. To deal with so much on top of what had just happened is just so unreal to me. I don’t know that I could endure the way they have, I don’t know that I would have been able to handle it all. The strength that they have shown me in these times both leave me inspired, but also leave me so unappeased. The fact that we can have the strength to make it through dark times, doesn’t make those dark times any easier, it’s the unwelcome consolation prize to suffering.
There’s nothing that I can say or do to help, but I am comforted that they have each other for that. The both of them have a great way of listening and making me feel okay as I am, and I know they will only be that way to each other. The amount of love and care they have as a couple keeps me positive. I have seen how much kindness and admiration they have for each other, and know that they will need it through this unimaginable time.
I will never forget the little time I’ve had with Evelyn Lily,
and she will be in my heart and thoughts always.