It’s no surprise when people tell me they’ve fallen into a funk as of lately, and I have to admit that I am in the same boat. Life has been moving at light speed since last fall and I have been doing my best to just stay afloat. I’m starting to feel like my personality just isn’t conducive to not feeling overwhelmed, like maybe my joys and sorrows get the best of me and can be inspiring as well as debilitating.
As I made my way into March and planned for the 1-year anniversary of this blog, I was faced with incredible pride but also a sense of overwhelming pressure. I spent a year with so many amazing experiences and documented so many things. This blog was not just a way to have these memories shared with other, or even a chance for me to internally process my thoughts… it was a change of my life’s direction. Almost like a company can put out a mission statement to show it’s values, I felt the past year was spent organizing what matters to me and how to better align my own path.
All month long I was working on design projects and staying busy with the everyday life of motherhood, but I kept getting hit with a general sadness of life’s changes. Our life has been busy, but that’s just not an excuse anymore, everyone’s life gets busy. I wrestle with the idea of not having time for the things that are important to me, but maybe I needed to re-evaluate what is important.
I struggle to find words when I get overwhelmed, and I know it’s not the first time I’ve taken some time away from writing and taking photos to re-center myself. I’ve tried writing things and keeping them in a draft version for moments like this where I should just post something from before, but that seems insincere or not current with how I feel at that moment. I celebrated the 1-year party, but felt this overwhelming pressure to get back to my regular posts and photos, like I wasn’t staying true to my efforts of aligning my path.
Either way, here I am, and honestly I am still feeling the loss of the death of Johnny, I am reeling from the loss of our best friends (Jessie and Grizz) who moved across the country, I struggle to make sense of some of the close yet exhausting relationships I have with flaky people, and I feel anxiety over the current state of politics. I actually dread hearing or watching the news, or even logging onto my Facebook, to read more stories of hate, sorrow, or greed in the world. The general sadness gets compacted on to my own pressures and work load, and it can feel really depressing at times.
Spending some time with Jessie and Grizz before their departure, photo by Grizz
In these moments where I start to really doubt my own strength, I look to my most important source of joy and encouragement. My daughter, Evie, is a wise little 5 year old now, and sees all lot of what’s happening. She understands those concepts of sadness, injustice, loss, and distress. I can’t protect her from all of life’s twists and turns, but I need to set the example of how to deal with them. One day when she’s older, maybe she will understand that I had my own demons to wrestle, and I hope that day she also can see my own determination.
On that note, I had to put this post up, and write some intentions into the universe. I hope to keep pushing through when life gets me down, and in those times where I just don’t feel like it, I hope to come back with more motivation. I know those hart moments in life leave you with a greater appreciation for those joys in life, and for all those struggling to overcome that overwhelming feeling, sometime you just need a first step.
Featured image by Peabe